Journey

This has been a week and then some: End of a relationship, Grandfather passing, Older brother in the hospital and starting rehab today and not getting into the Peace Corps. Everything will be okay though! Negativity has never suited me. :)

Since the 1st is Wednesday and I haven't received an email about an interview, it is kind of assumed that I didn't get in. And that is okay. I'm sad though. A little disappointed in myself to be honest. Rejection in all forms is hard to swallow. However, it is one of the best building blocks.

With that being said, AmeriCorps here I come! I applied for 3 positions out of state. Here's to being accepted to at least one of them! I'm excited to see what the next year and a half has in store for me. I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish before I leave.

Incapable

I was ready for the night of the 14th. Well, I was ready for it 5 or 6 months from now. It happened so instantaneously.

My significant other and I decided to end things. Granted, it was waiting to happen because of what we wanted for our future. I wanted to enjoy the relationship until we part ways but we all know things don't go as planned. The time we had together was wonderful and I was extremely happy. It just sucks when the little voice tells you it will end soon.

Can someone be incapable of love? He mentioned that he maybe is, but I dispute this as quickly as he said it. Everyone can love, it's a choice if they want to. Like really want to.

Love, to me, is a sum of different actions that makes you feel safe, cared for, adored, and appreciated. I rather have someone tell me they really adored the way I laugh or that I make them feel safe and appreciated in our relationship. You can say you love me, but please tell me you care about me and you want me to trust you. That takes courage and understanding. They get that love itself is not enough. Sparks fade, but hard work and commitment doesn't.

Sigh* I know I am too understanding, too emphatic, too nice, too EVERYTHING. I believe in the good in others. I want to fix things. I want to bring out the best in someone. Selfish people gravitate towards the very giving... and the very giving have a hard time seeing when they are blinded by bliss.

Two Weeks Time

We are a little over 2 weeks out until March 1st. I emailed about my application and received a reply that I was still under consideration for Morocco September 2017.

That doesn't make me feel better... I usually always look on the positive sides of the situation, but it is pretty difficult for me at this moment. We only have 15 days left for an interview and then they are to process and let everyone know about an offer 24 hours later? It seems a little grim to me.

BUT! It isn't the end. I technically have until July to figure out my next steps. I have been searching and adding to my list of potential positions in AmeriCorps. Some positions in nonprofits. Planning trips. I still check the Peace Corps website to see about new volunteer positions and the Thailand positions caught my eye.

If I don't receive an offer for Morocco, it won't be the end of the world. Yes, I will feel defeated. I will let myself feel - but it won't bring me down about my future. At the moment, I just feel unwanted. I have those moments of feeling 'not good enough' and 'have I not accomplished anything in my life?' and I know those are normal. Never less, it is hard.

Positive news - Kunkush's children's book is doing amazing. Lost and Found Cat has continued to be a best seller on Amazon. Praise for the book has been nonstop and we couldn't be happier.